Kerneled Brain Matter on the Dashboard

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off sometimes life's ok
I ran my mouth off a bit too much oh what can i say
Well you just laughed it off it was all ok
And we'll all float on ok

Dichotomies. Or as I like to call them those double-meaning-word-thingies-that-I-can't-remember-the-name-for-because-I-gave-myself-a-brain-aneurysm. Nevertheless they are the future and the past... and the subjunctive? Ok, well maybe only if it's a lettuce subjunctive because I know I don't eat nearly enough leafy things. Forging ahead, I have come to discover that my cats have cabin fever and require a road trip (ro-ADD tree-OP). Coming to such a conclusion only took a 4 am wake up call from the beast viz wet paw slap to the face (I shortly thereafter discovered that a drunken friend had left the topmost toilet seat up allowing for the perfect perch). It was, however, prior to this that I decided that all friends are hereby suspended of said title. Unfortunately, at just over a year old, neither of the small mammaries can rent a vehicle. So, being their cohabitant, I get the glares of disrespect and the constant purposeful trips and shoves to which I respond "why you be frontin, foozaaaaaay!" And then with the bithch slaps and oh my, all hell breaks loose and I end up in the emergency room.
Where's this going, you may ask? I'm not tellin'. But only because I haven't decided. I think I just want to bury my nose and nuzzle in some Modest Mouse rolling around in notebook pages and air guitaring the whole way. I could always go for a brisk sprinkler run like when we were kids and the summer sun would bake skin brown, and little girls' lips would turn blue from the water, I was never cold enough to leave. I was standing at the store the other day and there was a man next to me with no pants on. So i asked whats with the no pants thing goin on. And he asked me whats with the whole shorts wearing thing goin on over your way. And I thought 'fair enough' and took my shorts off.
Now you're thinking that this post has absolutely nothing to do with nothing. If that were the case then you're completely contradicting yourself, or are you? Oooooo, spooky. Word of warning for all you pyros out there: water puts the fire out. To get a bigger fire throw some gas on it. If you happen to notice that its not hot enough to melt metal beer cans here's a fun game to play: take a full can of soda and chuck it into the center of the fire (quick like a rabbit), then stand really close. And don't forget, firecrackers never really work as effectively as when they're closed up in your hand.
Enjoy the summer, suckers. I gots me some sleddin' to do.